So it’s been a full year since my last search term roundup, during which time my hilarious friend Abby has published an enviable number of search term posts that put mine to shame, both in terms of frequency and quality of terms. (“Trippy squirrels do Crossfit nude”? “Unicorn erectile dysfunction and Scrabble porn”? Seriously, who can compete with that?)
In that year, I have checked my trusty WordPress dashboard daily in the hopes of collecting some more gems like “I want to punch my baby” and “I have a lot of random rocks and boulders.”
I have largely been disappointed. And I finally figured out why:
Shortly after compiling my first list, I installed an SEO plugin that allows me to put in targeted key words for each post I publish. The result is that (to my great sadness) most of the search terms that lead people to my blog now are actually relevant. You know, boring things I really do write about, like “quitting my job” and “following my dreams” (#FirstWorldProblems).
Boo, SEO. Boo. Not that I mind having the people who find my blog stick around because it’s probably something they’re actually looking for, but still. I’d like to be a little more entertained, WordPress. Keep the valid traffic coming; just throw in a few crazies here and there for fun.
At any rate, one year later, here is what I have managed to collect—broken down, as last year’s was, into categories based on level of disturbingness. Enjoy!
“look at me, I’m a panda pretty, pretty dancing” [I am honored to be found through a reference to my all-time favorite commercial ever]
“hello how to get free money” [Perhaps the same searcher who provided last list’s “I need some free money hello.” We could all use some free money, searcher. I feel your pain.]
“ponytail sproingy things”
last post’s “everett bogue idiot” resulted in several additional “everett bogue idiot” searches, and then my new favorite: “everett bogue idiot? ok nincompoop” [Nice compromise, sir.]
“cordelia’s side sexy job” [Every job Cordelia does is a sexy job, thank you very much.]
“i feel nervous at sea”
“meh-ing through life”
“who would you like to do the dishes with?”
“why does Cordelia refuse to tell her fat” [Her fat what/who…?]
“hell to the no – meaning”
“guilty!” [Curious as to who performed this particular succinct search, and the back story behind it.]
“christmas tree cakes are back!” [Hell to the yes! Love those things…]
“funny menus for dogs”
“Joel Runyon girlfriend” [I enjoyed working with him on the Impossible League, but our relationship is strictly platonic. Sorry.]
“personal feelings on a polar bear”
“i hate to break up the party, eeyore”
“the day pooh went crazy”
Mildly Disturbing Searches
“moving away from friends with crab” [With a pet crab, or because your friends have crabs? The potentials here are what I find unsettling.]
“hard headed bitch”
Truly WTF? Searches
“arabicsextube” [Don’t want to know. So don’t want to know…]
“disturbing ways to kill people”
While there still are some moderately amusing weirdos out there happening upon my blog through random searches, I want more. I want to be able to pop into WordPress each morning and see something that delights and/or disturbs me.
So, I think I shall to start peppering my SEO keywords with random terms like “porcupine sex tapes” or “bacon murder dance party.” Just to see if I can reel in a few more eccentric searchers.
Although I still won’t be able to hold a candle to Abby. Because that girl writes about some seriously weird shit. 🙂
P.S. Am I the only one who thinks “Bacon Murder Dance Party” would make for a killer band name?
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