You Do You Like a Boss (or a T-Rex)

The Tyrannosaurus Rex was the pimp of the dinosaur world.

He took names, he called the shots, he ruled the show. Which dinosaur got to be the logo for Jurassic Park? Which dinosaur do most kids want to see first at the science museum? Which dinosaur’s name (rex) actually means “king” in Latin?

That’s right: the mother-effing-T-Rex.

Because he is the incarnation of awesome killer monster dinosaur power.

But you know what? If a T-Rex existed today, he’d be lying on a couch in a psychiatrist’s office talking about his feelings of inadequacy despite of all the fame and glory he gets. Why?

Because T-Rexes Have Tiny Little Arms

For all their razor-toothed, huge-headed terrifyingness, the T-Rex has one genealogical (and rather hilarious) flaw: He has stumpy, useless little flaily arms that The Powers That Be had to have included solely for the purposes of amusing irony.

This means that, in addition to being the target of mean playground ridicule, these kings of the dinosaur world have all sorts of things they CAN’T do.

They can’t do pushups:

They can’t give each other high fives:

T-Rex high fives tshirt

 They can’t adorably express how much they love their significant other:

It’s enough to give any dino a complex.

But you don’t read about these things in the history books. Because—aside from the fact that pushups, high fives and relationships did not exist in the dinosaur era—T-Rexes did the one thing they were designed for very well: they killed things, and they killed them dead. They were predators, and they preyed like nobody’s business.

Brontosauruses, on the other hand, were physically stunning dinos—massively large, tall as fuck, and with all four legs perfectly proportioned. They were walking, symmetrical mountains. And they got killed. They got killed dead—by T-Rexes. Because the gimpy little arms didn’t matter, anymore than the Brontos’ impressive heft did.  Brontosauruses were made to eat leafy things.  T-Rexes were made to eat things that eat leafy things.

What’s the Lesson Here, Cordelia?

The lesson is this:

a) I want any and all of the t-shirts above, and will gladly accept them as early Christmas presents; and

b) We are all designed with certain talents, and certain shortcomings.

You can’t compare your skills against someone else’s, because they’re different. All that matters is that you do what you were designed to do—and you do the everloving shit out of it. (Tweet!)

You may hate your social awkwardness, but you can write one mean piece of copy that magically makes total strangers leap to do your bidding. That’s amazing. A million aspiring writers would kill for that talent.

You may not be the prettiest belle at the ball, but you’ve got the snarkiest, sharpest sense of humor of anyone you know—which is exactly what your future prince charming is looking for in his princess.

You may not know how to run a marathon, or juggle, or have any idea what the latest trending meme is on Twitter. But you do what you do like a boss.

And that is all that matters.


Image: Flickr

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  • Cordelia’sMom

    What a great post. I bet very few people (ok, despite the t-shirts) have ever looked at dinosaurs that way, and I love the way you then bring home the point that both types of dinosaurs had something they were especially good at. I admit at the beginning I wondered what dinosaurs with little arms had to do with Cordelia, but you tied it all together very nicely,with your usual unique way of looking at things. You’re back, girl!

  • Vinny

    I had to tell you that I really enjoyed your post and it made me laugh(or maybe I was already in a good mood but Im going to blame it on you). I hadn’t expected that moral to your story but I loved it. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with the internet free of charge 🙂

    • You are welcome to blame it on me. 🙂

      Thank YOU for the awesome comment!

  • they don’t make good henchmen either..

    • Love it! I’ve only ever seen the shortened clip on the trailer. Brilliant. 🙂

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  • tmc

    I’m pretty sure that because of T-Rex’s inadequacy issues, s/he really wished s/he could bitch slap some dinosaurs. Short arm fail.

    • I think you just came up with the concept for another awesome T-Rex shirt: T-Rex Bitch Slap #FAIL. 😛

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  • Totally love this analogy, Kelly ! Quit chasing after what other people have and work with what you got, right?

    I’d rather like to see a shrink with a couch to fit a T-Rex – wouldn’t that be somethin’?

    • I would buy the t-shirt that had that image on it. 🙂

  • Perfect timing, as usual, Kelly ~
    I was just now sitting here bemoaning how “nothing’s the same” and “I can’t…” and “I don’t know…” and here comes Cordelia with a ROFLMAO post that hits the spot!

    Thanks again 😉

  • Barbara

    You got one beautiful and hilarious head…. I love you now!